Wednesday, January 2, 2008

New Beginning

This is the year I turn thirty. I'm pretty excited about that. In four months and ten days, I will say goodbye to the tumultuous twenties and settle in for a decade of . . . who knows? A house, a baby, seven or eight more dogs? A world-conquering career, a revelatory relationship? Or something more sinister, death, deception, disability? I don't know, but I know that whatever it is, it will leave me a stronger, kinder, more humble person.

There are 129 days until my birthday. Four months and one week into the new year, it offers a good benchmark of my progress.

I do have some goals for the new year. I would like to lose 66.6 pounds. No, not because I have sold my soul in exchange for a sexy new bod. But a 66.6 pound weight loss would bring me to what I weighed when I graduated from high school. I was a pretty juicy morsel even then, but at least I could wear a skirt without the friction from my thighs igniting a Nightrider-esque conflagration up my backside.

I know I need more specific goals in order to reach this nebulous "I'd like to be skinny" goal. I need inside-out goals, not just "I want my body to look like this." But I am not sure yet what these goals should be.

I want to push myself as hard physically as I can without injuring myself, but then, how hard is that? How do I know when I am reaching the brink of injury? Does it make sense to do something that I love when it is high impact and I may be grinding my knees at weird angles? But then, fat people are far more likely to have arthritis in their weight-bearing joints, so that fear is probably mostly bullshit with a twist of actual risk.

Speaking of risks, I would like to start taking more. I have dreams, you know. Sometimes I forget that.

Some risks I want to take:

I want to jump out of a plane.

I want to fly in a hot-air balloon.

I want to teach in a foreign country, something like sanitation or preventing disease transmission or teaching girls who might otherwise not receive an education.

I want to make an investment.

I want to run really fast and really far.

I want to hike to the top of a mountain.

I want to sing in public.

I want to write a short story.

I want to write a song.

I want to write a book.

I want to share all of these writings with people without being afraid of their opinions.

I want to learn a martial art.

I want to finish a collage.

I want to go on a cross-country horseback expedition.

I want to understand people's bodies more deeply. When someone asks me, "I have a pain in my .... Do you know what that is?" I want to be able to feel it in my own body and know.

I want to learn about plants. I want to take really good care of plants.

I want . . . [deep breath] . . . I want to speak the truth about my husband in public. The truth is, he is the most phenomenal, wonderful being I know. He is so good, forgiving, hardworking, understanding - not in a paternalistic "I understand dear" way but in an exhilarating, almost creepy soul-reading kind of way. He just gets me, even the things I don't want anyone to get.

Now why, dear reader, would it be difficult to speak the truth about him when the truth is so delicious?

I don't know why. Because it's nauseating, how great he is. Because it's easier to be funny. Because I like to make people laugh, not squirm in their seats when they have to look straight into how much I love him.

But if I could be honest about this one thing - not strident about it but at least more balanced - I think it would help me become a little gentler and less abrasive, which are characteristics I used to possess and have lost somewhat.

I would also like to regain some of the patience I had in high school. I used to be more understanding, more forgiving. I used to understand others' perspectives better. Now I'm getting older and I'm getting some sclerosis in my opinions, a little hardening of the preconceived notions.

I would very much like to regain some of my openness and compassion.

I used to listen to people and "bear witness to their suffering." People need that. They need people who just hear their pain, without worrying whether they are justified or "should be" doing this or that. I'm a little more of a blowhard now, and I'd like to practice the discipline of Just Shutting Up and Listening.

So, one hundred and twenty nine days until I turn thirty. Is that too long too sustain an experiment in passion, to live so that I do not regret even one day?

Well, I guess we'll find out.

9 comments:

Luap Otisopse said...

Wow. That was amazing! If you enjoy writing, I really want to encourage you to do it more (I want to encourage you either way, but if you don't really like doing it I wouldn't want to push you). Your writing is amazing sis! Really. I would love to read ANYTHING you write. Bless my eyes and mind PLEASE! That was really sweet to read about T. The discomfort you have expressing that in public reminds me of that reminds me of the Marianne Williams quote about not being small and insignificant just so you won't embarass or offend others. You should be so proud and happy that you shout it from a mountain top for the whole world to hear without fear! IMO. It's a beautiful thing!

Nivek Yrurd said...

I just wrote an extremely elaborate comment about how I connect with you on a cerebral level. I read through it and it didn't make any sense at all.

Nivek Yrurd said...

Anyways, I think your dreams are fantastic, I would love to write a book myself.

Megan Drury said...

Thanks Luap! I really appreciate the encouragement. You are a really great encourager. (new word?)

P.S. My eyes would not mind being blessed by some photos of your newly liberated head . . . :-)

Megan Drury said...

niv, haha, your comment made me laugh! At least you are man enough to admit it, yes?

If you're in as bad shape as I am in after Monday night's bacchanal, though, then it just might have made sense to me.

Anyway, we definitely connect on a cerebral level. We should write a book together. "Vespa Rambles" haha! Can we get a sidecar?

Nivek Yrurd said...

Only for the photo shoot.

Megan Drury said...

What about the movie? Who should play us?

Larry said...

Your writing is great Megan thanks for invitng me to your Blog. You have made a good start on one of your intentions and your lucky husband should hug you for letting us all know how lovable he is. Now just copy all that onto a publicly accessible Blog and you are another step closer to letting the world know.

Its amazing to me you will be 30 soon. I remember you so well at the 14-18 range, as I mentioned in the blog post you found me on sometimes the years go by in a blurrrrrr.....

Keep writing I will keep reading

Megan Drury said...

I know, I'm an old piece of haggis now. :-)

I don't know about a public blog. Some of my posts are less-than-flattering portrayals of my boss - I'm not as disciplined at reining in my vengeful wrath as you are. Or maybe I'm better at purging?

Anyway, if she ever read this, I would be fired, and that must not happen. I will quit when I know which direction I want to go in next but for now, being employed is good.

Thank you for the words of encouragement! Right now I am very focused on losing weight and getting in shape - you can read more about that on my weight loss blog, which you'll find under my profile - so I'm not writing here as much as I had but I will get back into it.

You should keep writing too!